{"id":906,"date":"2014-04-18T20:43:17","date_gmt":"2014-04-18T19:43:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/?p=906"},"modified":"2015-07-23T00:50:32","modified_gmt":"2015-07-22T23:50:32","slug":"musadenizle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/?p=906","title":{"rendered":"M\u00fcsadenizle"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bir umudun ard\u0131na saklad\u0131klar\u0131n \u00e7\u0131k\u0131verir kar\u015f\u0131na bir g\u00fcn. \u0130nanamazs\u0131n \u00f6nceleri, y\u0131llardan beri s\u0131rt\u0131nda ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n y\u00fckten, kurtulmu\u015f gibi hissedersin. Sudan \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f bal\u0131klar misali, bir oraya, bir buraya atars\u0131n kendini. Nefesin kesilmi\u015f gibi hissedersin. Uzun y\u0131llar \u00f6nce kaybetti\u011fin sevdan \u00fc\u00e7 be\u015f ad\u0131ml\u0131k mesafededir, elini uzatsan tutacak kadar yak\u0131n. Bir okadar\u2019da da uzak, kalp at\u0131\u015flar\u0131n her zamankinden daha h\u0131zl\u0131 atmaktad\u0131r, hissedersin. Y\u00fcz\u00fcne bakar; tan\u0131maz seni, asl\u0131nda sende tan\u0131yamam\u0131\u015fs\u0131nd\u0131r u\u011frunda karalar ba\u011flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n sevdal\u0131n\u0131. \"1898128_10202474932207275_196335682_n\"<\/a>G\u00fcn\u00fcn birinde b\u00f6yle bir duyguyu ya\u015fayaca\u011f\u0131m\u0131 s\u00f6yleselerdi inanmazd\u0131m. Buldu\u011funu sand\u0131\u011f\u0131n sevdal\u0131n\u0131n d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn g\u00fcn\u00fcd\u00fcr onu buldu\u011fun g\u00fcn. \u0130kinci, belkide \u00fc\u00e7\u00fcnc\u00fc kez d\u00fcnya evine girecektir. Seslenip seslenmemek aras\u0131nda gider, gider gelirsin. Geride b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131n otuzsekiz y\u0131l\u0131n muhasebesi bir yana, bir zamanlar sana mutluluk vermi\u015f b\u00fcy\u00fck a\u015fk\u0131n\u0131 ikinci kez kaybetti\u011fin ger\u00e7e\u011fi ile ba\u015f ba\u015fas\u0131nd\u0131r \u015fimdi. Kaderin oynad\u0131\u011f\u0131 oyuna teslim olursun. Leyla ile Mecnun\u2019u Kerem ile Asl\u0131y\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcn\u00fcrs\u00fcn ve b\u00fcy\u00fck sevdalar\u0131n hi\u00e7 bir \u015fekilde bir arada olam\u0131yacaklar\u0131na bir kere daha \u015fahitlik edersin. Eminsindir art\u0131k. Y\u00fcz\u00fcne g\u00f6zlerine bakt\u0131\u011f\u0131nda tan\u0131yamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n sevdal\u0131n\u0131 sevdan\u0131 sorgulars\u0131n. Sa\u00e7lar\u0131, g\u00fcl\u00fc\u015f\u00fc, g\u00f6zlerinin \u00f6n\u00fcnden gitmeyen beyninde ya\u015fatt\u0131\u011f\u0131n o gen\u00e7 k\u0131z de\u011fildir kar\u015f\u0131nda duran. Y\u0131llar\u0131n getirdi\u011fi y\u0131pranm\u0131\u015fl\u0131k o kadar barizdir ki ad\u0131n\u0131 bile koyamad\u0131\u011f\u0131n bo\u015fluktur sadece i\u00e7ini dolduran. Geldi\u011fin gibi d\u00f6nme zaman\u0131d\u0131r, sessiz ve bir tek kelime etmeden. Beyninde, g\u00f6nl\u00fcnde inad\u0131na hapsetti\u011fin sevday\u0131 b\u0131rakma zaman\u0131d\u0131r belkide gelip \u00e7atan . Zaman\u0131 geri almak, ge\u00e7mi\u015fi o g\u00fcnk\u00fc a\u015fk ve sevgiyle ya\u015fayabilmek ve insan\u0131n kendi i\u00e7inde b\u00fcy\u00fctt\u00fc\u011f\u00fc kalenin kal\u0131n duvarlar\u0131n\u0131n arkas\u0131na hapsetti\u011fi, korumaya ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 a\u015fk yoktur art\u0131k. Kader bir kez daha isteklerinin d\u0131\u015f\u0131nda ya\u015fanacak bir yola do\u011fru itmi\u015ftir bizi. Atina’da son bir kez dostlar\u0131nla bir gece daha ge\u00e7irme vaktidir \u015fimdi. \"0000-8\"<\/a>Zaman her \u015feyin ilac\u0131 derler do\u011frudur. Zaman her \u015feyin ilac\u0131 oldu\u011fu gibi her \u015feyin zehiri\u2019de olabilir. En az\u0131ndan bendeki etkisi zehir i\u00e7mi\u015fimde bay\u0131l\u0131yorum gibi\u00a0 oldu. Zaten a\u015fk dedi\u011fin zamana kar\u015f\u0131\u00a0 \u00f6nceden kaybedilmi\u015f bir sava\u015f de\u011filmidir. A\u015fk; dedi\u011fin\u00a0 ba\u015fka hi\u00e7 bir sorunu\u00a0 olmayan insanlar\u0131n problemidir. Yirminci y\u00fczy\u0131lda a\u015fk cevaplanmam\u0131\u015f bir telefon mesaj\u0131d\u0131r. Ve telefon mesajlar\u0131 i\u015fkencenin modernize edilmi\u015f halidir. Yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131na cevap gelmezse ba\u015flar bu i\u015fkence. Aradan ge\u00e7en iki sene sonunda b\u00fcy\u00fck sevdam evlendi\u011fi e\u015finden ayr\u0131lm\u0131\u015f yeni bir a\u015fk ar\u0131yordu. Bense onun kaybetti\u011fi a\u015fk\u0131yd\u0131m. Bir s\u00fcre yaz\u0131\u015ft\u0131k sanki u\u00e7uyordum bir an \u00f6nce ellerini tutmak i\u00e7in yolculuk haz\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131na ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131m bile. Ne olduysa yola \u00e7\u0131kaca\u011f\u0131ma iki g\u00fcn kala oldu arabadan \u00e7antam \u00e7al\u0131nd\u0131 \u00e7antamdaki pasaportlar\u0131m param kartlar\u0131m ne varsa bir anda yok olmu\u015ftu. Kader bir kez daha \u00f6nlemi\u015fti bir araya gelmemizi. Yaz\u0131\u015fmaya devam ettik bir s\u00fcre daha kendimi k\u0131rk y\u0131l \u00f6ncesinde hissettim. Her ge\u00e7en g\u00fcn ger\u00e7eklerle y\u00fcz y\u00fcze geliyordum bir yan\u0131m k\u0131rk y\u0131l \u00f6ncesinde, di\u011fer yan\u0131m g\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fczde bir birleri ile bo\u011fu\u015fuyorlard\u0131 sanki. Kendi i\u00e7imde ben \u00f6b\u00fcr yan\u0131mla kavga ediyordum. Kaderin \u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fc a\u011flar\u0131n belkide sona erdi\u011fine inan\u0131yordum. \u00c7ok basit gibi g\u00f6r\u00fcnen yirminci y\u00fcz y\u0131l\u0131n bir s\u00f6z\u00fc ile kendime geldim birden. Bir \u015fey oldu bir anda k\u0131skan\u0131ld\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 anlad\u0131m. K\u0131skan\u00e7l\u0131k duygusu g\u00fcvensizli\u011fin belirtisidir ki g\u00fcvenilmeyen biri olmaktansa hi\u00e7 olmamay\u0131 tercih etmi\u015fimdir t\u00fcm ya\u015fam\u0131mda. K\u0131rk y\u0131l sevdas\u0131n\u0131 omuzumda ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131m sevdal\u0131m\u0131n k\u0131skan\u00e7l\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile y\u00fczle\u015fiverdim birden bire. Ve anlad\u0131m ki benim a\u015fk\u0131m, sevdam hepsi ondokuzuncu y\u00fczy\u0131lda kalm\u0131\u015f. O masumane a\u015fk\u0131m\u0131n yirminci y\u00fcz y\u0131ldaki \u015fekli beni korkutmaya, olmayacak bir r\u00fcyadan uyand\u0131rmaya yetmi\u015f artm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bile. Yirminci y\u00fczy\u0131lda a\u015fk cevaplanmam\u0131\u015f bir telefon mesaj\u0131ndayd\u0131 sanki. Cevaplanmam\u0131\u015f telefon mesajlar\u0131 \u00e7ekilen i\u015fkencenin modernle\u015fmi\u015f hali. Ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n mesaja cevap vermezsen, yazd\u0131\u011f\u0131na cevap gelmezse e\u011fer a\u015fk biter, bu kadar hoyrat kullan\u0131lmakta g\u00fcn\u00fcm\u00fczde a\u015fk s\u00f6zc\u00fc\u011f\u00fc. Bir zamanlar dillere destan olan a\u015fk\u0131n ispat\u0131 Kerem ile Asl\u0131 Leyla ile Mecnun ger\u00e7i kavu\u015famam\u0131\u015flard\u0131 hi\u00e7 bir zaman. Sende \u00f6ld\u00fcr\u00fcrs\u00fcn kalbinde beyninde, ruhunda ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131n o b\u00fcy\u00fck sevday\u0131. Yirminci y\u00fcz y\u0131lda maskara etmektense sevdan\u0131, \u00f6l\u00fcms\u00fczl\u00fc\u015ft\u00fcrmeyi ye\u011flersin. Uzaktan izlersin o b\u00fcy\u00fck a\u015fk\u0131mdan ne kalm\u0131\u015f geriye; bir \u015fey bulamazs\u0131n. Yeni bir ba\u015flang\u0131\u00e7 i\u00e7in zaman, \u00e7ok ge\u00e7tir art\u0131k. Yirminci y\u00fcz y\u0131l bir \u00e7ok \u015feyi de\u011fi\u015ftirip yozla\u015ft\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131 gibi a\u015fk\u0131, sevday\u0131, arkada\u015fl\u0131klar\u0131 ve dostluklar\u0131da \u00f6z\u00fcnden etmi\u015f, yozla\u015ft\u0131rm\u0131\u015f. Ve biz bu yozla\u015fman\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde ya\u015famak zorunda b\u0131rak\u0131lm\u0131\u015f\u0131z. Bu yozla\u015fm\u0131\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7erisinde kendimi ifade edebilmemin imkans\u0131zl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 ge\u00e7 olmadan bana g\u00f6sterdi\u011fi i\u00e7in Tanr\u0131ya \u015f\u00fckrediyorum. \u015e\u00fckrediyorum Tanr\u0131ya bana b\u00f6yle b\u00fcy\u00fck bir a\u015fk\u0131, bu sevday\u0131 ya\u015fatt\u0131\u011f\u0131 i\u00e7in. \u015eimdilerde k\u0131rk y\u0131l\u0131n\u0131 bir tek g\u00fcn of demeden bana vermi\u015f aileme d\u00f6nd\u00fcm y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc. \u0130nsan hayat\u0131n\u0131n bazen ne kadar ac\u0131mas\u0131zca ya\u015fand\u0131\u011f\u0131na tan\u0131kl\u0131k eden ben. Yirminci y\u00fcz y\u0131la ayak uydurmaya \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yorum. Ara s\u0131ra teklesemde beynimde, kalbimde, ruhumda \u00f6zg\u00fcr b\u0131rakt\u0131m kendimi. En az\u0131ndan \u00f6zg\u00fcrl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn tad\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kartmak istiyorum ne kadar zaman\u0131m kald\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bimedi\u011fim \u00f6mr\u00fcmde. Belkilerimde saklad\u0131\u011f\u0131m her \u015feyden ar\u0131nd\u0131r\u0131p kendimi, Derin bir nefes almak soluklanmak istiyorum art\u0131k.<\/p>\n

M\u00fcsadenizle.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mehmet Tevfik \u00d6zkartal<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bir umudun ard\u0131na saklad\u0131klar\u0131n \u00e7\u0131k\u0131verir kar\u015f\u0131na bir g\u00fcn. \u0130nanamazs\u0131n \u00f6nceleri, y\u0131llardan beri s\u0131rt\u0131nda ta\u015f\u0131d\u0131\u011f\u0131n y\u00fckten, kurtulmu\u015f gibi hissedersin. Sudan \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f bal\u0131klar misali, bir oraya, bir buraya atars\u0131n kendini. Nefesin kesilmi\u015f gibi hissedersin. Uzun y\u0131llar \u00f6nce kaybetti\u011fin sevdan \u00fc\u00e7 be\u015f ad\u0131ml\u0131k … Okumaya devam et →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[32],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/906"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=906"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/906\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":922,"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/906\/revisions\/922"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=906"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=906"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xn--bykadada-65ab.biz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=906"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}